alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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