Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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