Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
