I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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