you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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