Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
