the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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