so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
