dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize