Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
