Betty ford says i'm here all night
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
