worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
