I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
