My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize