I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
