So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
