Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
