five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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