I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
