he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
