I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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