After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
