so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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