her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
