okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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