At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
