If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize