I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
