Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Farmville is her only friend.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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