Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
