my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
