I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I woke up under a house in Key West
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