Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
