i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
sarcasm needs its own font
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
