anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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