yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
