I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You've changed since you got that strap on
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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