i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
