my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Actions speak louder than pants.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
