Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
