It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize