If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
