mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
