so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
