I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
