next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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