I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
