You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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