I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
