she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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