No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize