don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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