Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
