Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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