Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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