i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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