in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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