she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
