So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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