I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I stole a fireplace last night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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