Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
