Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize