I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
